Imagine you’re at the bank waiting to discuss your new account. From the other side of a the partition separating the desks in the open-plan office a deep, resonant voice summons you to a private booth where you take a seat and get comfortable (as comfortable as you can be when in the bank. I always feel like I need to ‘act natural’ in case they think I’m casing the joint) before addressing the lovely, helpful individual behind the desk.
Now imagine that the lovely, helpful individual behind the desk is a large blonde gentleman named Herbert. Herbert is dressed not unlike Heidi; complete with neckerchief, checked shirt, lipstick, earrings, makeup and fairly severe acne.
Cue panicked thoughts: ‘Oh dear, where do I look? If I look him in the eye will it look like I’m staring? But if I look at the ceiling and at the fascinating ink blot on the desk will it look like I’m trying to avoid looking at him? If I’m particularly friendly will it seem like I’m being patronising?’
I think I might have agreed to a pension scheme or some such.
Lovely man that Herbert. I do love what they’ve done with the ceiling though.’
I’ve given in and joined the twats. Of course that isn’t rude. I do intend to use it for gratuitous and shameless self-promotion so be prepared. It’s slightly strange that you don’t seem to be able to decide who ‘follows’ you but perhaps I should be flattered by the attentions of a lady of the night. It’s undoubtedly my personality that’s the major draw.
You’ll be hearing from me.
My grip on the internet is gradually tightening as I take over one website at a time. My latest conquest is Howopia UK, which is modelled on Demand Media (already under my thumb) and which provides an endless array of ‘How To’ guides for a UK audience. About time really as I’m pretty sick of all the ‘colors’, ‘flavors’ and ‘organizations’.
Check out a few of my articles:
- How To Write a Best Man’s Speech
- How To Make an Apple Martini
- How to Make Shortcrust Pastry
- How To Make a Margarita
- How To Choose a Degree
- How To Plan an Essay
- How To Make a Cosmopolitan
- How To Make a Pina Colada
- How To Complain To The NHS
- How To Drink Absinthe
- How To Make Shortcrust Pastry
- How To Create Realistic Characters in Fictional Writing
Photos from my weekend trip to Copenhagen are on the Flickr feed at the bottom of the page. It will forever be remembered as the home of smørrebrød, the most expensive half sandwich known to mankind.
Poe’s gold-bug lumbers over:
The strings of the planets
Plucking endless notes,
Stars bob on the inky surface
A slow descent to the dusty street;
Filled with the echoing music of the spheres
Zeno gently rocking in time
The review of Nozstock 2010 is now live here. A broken digital camera meant that I had to go retro and take a disposable camera along with me. That’s 27 golden shots of guesswork.
Believe it or not they do still develop disposables, so once I’ve got the photos done I’ll scan them and put them up.