Imagine you’re at the bank waiting to discuss your new account. From the other side of a the partition separating the desks in the open-plan office a deep, resonant voice summons you to a private booth where you take a seat and get comfortable (as comfortable as you can be when in the bank. I always feel like I need to ‘act natural’ in case they think I’m casing the joint) before addressing the lovely, helpful individual behind the desk.
Now imagine that the lovely, helpful individual behind the desk is a large blonde gentleman named Herbert. Herbert is dressed not unlike Heidi; complete with neckerchief, checked shirt, lipstick, earrings, makeup and fairly severe acne.
Cue panicked thoughts: ‘Oh dear, where do I look? If I look him in the eye will it look like I’m staring? But if I look at the ceiling and at the fascinating ink blot on the desk will it look like I’m trying to avoid looking at him? If I’m particularly friendly will it seem like I’m being patronising?’
I think I might have agreed to a pension scheme or some such.
Lovely man that Herbert. I do love what they’ve done with the ceiling though.’
I’ve given in and joined the twats. Of course that isn’t rude. I do intend to use it for gratuitous and shameless self-promotion so be prepared. It’s slightly strange that you don’t seem to be able to decide who ‘follows’ you but perhaps I should be flattered by the attentions of a lady of the night. It’s undoubtedly my personality that’s the major draw.
You’ll be hearing from me.
My grip on the internet is gradually tightening as I take over one website at a time. My latest conquest is Howopia UK, which is modelled on Demand Media (already under my thumb) and which provides an endless array of ‘How To’ guides for a UK audience. About time really as I’m pretty sick of all the ‘colors’, ‘flavors’ and ‘organizations’.
Check out a few of my articles:
- How To Write a Best Man’s Speech
- How To Make an Apple Martini
- How to Make Shortcrust Pastry
- How To Make a Margarita
- How To Choose a Degree
- How To Plan an Essay
- How To Make a Cosmopolitan
- How To Make a Pina Colada
- How To Complain To The NHS
- How To Drink Absinthe
- How To Make Shortcrust Pastry
- How To Create Realistic Characters in Fictional Writing
David Thorne is an opinionated smart-arse. What’s more, you’d probably find it extremely hard to get along with him on a one-to-one level. Having said that, he is also ridiculously funny. Here’s a classic blog post titled ‘It’s like Twitter, except we charge people to use it.’
Have a look at his other posts on his blog.
It’s cruel and wouldn’t be funny if she got hurt but, well, she didn’t and it is.
For your viewing pleasure…
Had my birthday just the other day, didn’t I.
There’s a Sherlock Holmes vibe going ’round my house at the moment and we’re making our way through ACD’s back-catalogue at a rate. Hound of The Baskervilles and A Study in Scarlet down so far and The Sign of The Four up next.
There was some relevance to the birthday reference by the way… I went to see the London West-end production of The Secret of Sherlock Holmes at the Duchess Theatre. Brilliant play with only two actors and an amazing set which, incidentally doesn’t change throughout the course of the play.
An excellent review of the play can be found here. If you’re in London, go see it.